Frequently Asked Questions

Reader: You should provide a sample of WHEN IN ROME so I can decide if I want to buy it.  

Lynn: Sure! Here you go:

Juno As Laughing Stock 

The Latin-speaking poets were careful not to mock Jupiter, no matter how much havoc he wreaked. His wife and sister Juno, however, did not enjoy that protection. She was unique in the pantheon as an easy target for poetic humour. She is forever trying to legislate something that can’t be legislated: libido. She is the Karen of the pantheon. 

Ovid would never dream of blaming Neptune for raping Medusa, nor Minerva for punishing Medusa unfairly. But, for some reason, the queen consort was ever a risible character. Perhaps the futility of her anger is what delights the Roman poets. Perhaps, women with cheating husbands are inherently comic, or perhaps it’s how often Juno flies into a rage. The cycle of Jupiter’s extracurricular affairs, followed by Juno’s vengeance, and often the existence of a very inconvenient baby would be repeated many times with interesting variations. 

Io was one of Jupiter’s most famous extracurricular lovers. She was a nymph, the daughter of the powerful river god, Inachus. She was walking near that river when Jupiter saw her and praised her beauty loudly, telling her she should rest in the forest during the heat of the day. Io understood his intentions and she ran. Not to be defeated, Jupiter covered the earth in darkness to blind her, then raped her. 

Juno noticed that day turned suddenly to night over Argos, and she knew something was afoot. “‘Where was her husband?’ Ovid writes.2

She descended to earth from Mount Olympos and reversed the day-to-night spell that Jupiter had cast. But her wily husband had anticipated her arrival and turned Io into a beautiful, white cow. Juno asked questions that Jupiter answered as cleverly as he could. This beautiful cow sprang from the earth, he claimed. Suspicious, Juno asked for the cow as a gift. Jupiter debated within himself whether he could afford to defy, not just his wife, but his sister, a near equal in power.   

He gave the cow to Juno who put her under the supervision of Argus, a creature with a hundred eyes. He never closed all of them at once, so he was able to keep an around-the-clock vigil on Io. Argus grazed Io during the day, then crated her at night, putting her neck in a halter. 

Whilst she was grazing, she happened upon Inachus, her father, and her sisters who did not recognise her, though they thought she was beautiful and allowed her to follow them. Finally, with a graceful hoof, she drew two letters of her name in the ground, and her father recognised her and wept. He had been searching for her. 

But finding her transformed like this was worse than missing her, Inachus assured his daughter, and now he would prefer to die, though he was an immortal and the underworld was closed to him. Argus led Io away and positioned himself at the top of a slope where he could see everything with his wrap-around eyes. 

The situation was intolerable, Jupiter felt. He needed someone to assassinate Argus, so he sent Mercury, who barely stopped to grab his pipe and don his flying sandals before obeying. Once in Argus’ sphere, he played a tune on his pipe, and Argus invited the musician to his side. 

Eventually, the messenger god lulled Argus to a full sleep, and all the eyes shut. Quickly, Mercury pulled out his rounded blade and killed Io’s captor, hurling his body down a cliff. Predictably, Juno flew into a rage, and summoned a demon to drive Io crazy. In her madness, she ran to the Nile, fell to her knees on its bank, and begged the gods for mercy.  

Jupiter took Juno into his arms and promised that the affair was over and that there would be no further consequences, perhaps meaning that there was no baby. Juno agreed to a detente, and Io was restored to her nymph form. She attained the status of goddess and had many worshippers. Few of Jupiter’s lovers would fare so well.